Packing Up

Finally it has dawned on me that I am going to have an actual baby and I need to do stuff.
Stuff like get my hospital bag packed, get the baby's bag packed & pack a bag for Toddler in case she needs to stay a night away while I'm labouring in hospital.

We are also in the process of revamping the house for the new arrival. Nothing major just a clean lick of paint over Toddler's beautiful wall art and opening up the hatch to the loft so we can actually get into it and use it as a storage area.

Also need to go through Toddler's newborn clothing and work out what we can reuse.

I can do all this in 7 weeks can't I?

eeekkkkkk!

All is Forgiven

Toddler was in a foul mood yesterday.

Took her out to playgroup in the morning where she played beautifully until singing time where she decided to vent out at other innocent toddlers by kicking and hitting (luckily no contact was made), so I decided to end play time and take her home.
Whilst opening the car door I set her down on the pavement and she decides that it would be oh so cleaver to run across the road and run down the pavement.

NEVER has she done this before and it shocked me. I managed to get her back and force her into the car seat to lots of wails and crys of 'Go away Mama' & 'Hit Mama'.
She falls asleep all of 5 minutes and then refuses lunch or her regular nap.

I thankfully had a doctors appointment that afternoon and escaped by leaving her with hubby who was at home that day. He filled me in of all the fun he had with her and I wisely keep my thoughts of 'thank God I didn't have to deal with her' to myself.

This morning she wakes at 6AM playing with my nose, talking to herself and radiates me with the biggest smile I have ever seen.

My heart melts.

Inapproriate Toddler

Whilst at lunch today at our local Garden Center surrounded by the Grandparent generation enjoying thier own lunches in peace, Toddler declares at the top of her voice:

POO!
I done Poo!

I do hope nobody noticed, yeah right...

Lovely Mothers Day

A little thank you to Hubby and Toddler for making Mother's Day so lovely for me.

I really enjoyed their company was spoiled rotten when was given tea in bed, a pretty card and recived my asked for baby changing bag.

We had a trip onto town where we watched Toddler in her favourite past time of chasing pigeons, strolled around a contemporary art gallery (ark at us hey !!), had a yummy lunch at Pizza Express and finally back home for a much needed afternoon nap zzzzzzzzzzz

Doesn't get better then that I say :)

Happy 23rd Month Day!

Dear Toddler,

Today you are 23 months old, and it is the last time I will be aging you in months as next month you will be 2 years old!
I want to tell you how much I love you and love you for all your amazing ways:

I love how you concentrate on a story and how you can become emotionally involved by either giggling away at what humors you, or how you can become concerned for a character in trouble.

I love how you tell people about Mario & Bowser from Super Mario World from the Wii.

I love how your sense of humor is developing.

I love how you tell me you 'need cuddle'.

I love when we ask you if your a baby your swift answer is 'no I not baby, dolly baby'.

I love how you play and share with your friends.

I love how your interested in cooking.

I love how you eat my kisses.

I love how you point your index finger in the air and wave it at me whilst saying 'don't mamma don't' with your eyebrows raised and head tilted to the side.

I love that your mine, I still look at you and can't believe I made you. Your so beautiful and clever. I'm so glad you choose me and your Pappa.

We love you very much.

xxx

Opening up to friends

Recently a couple of friends have spoken to me about thier own experiances of PND.
One who has briefly meantioned her difficulties in bonding with her baby who is now 18 months old.

I really felt for her.

I had always seen the love she had for her baby but had noticed that somtimes her choices of care were not somthing I would do. Other people who also knew her commented to me how they found the new mum less then maternal.

At the time I would pop in and see her but I didn't pick up on anything.
I now feel like I failed her as a friend.

Not sure where I'm going with this post.

Comedic Toddler

Toddler thinks she's funny.

Whilst eating dinner at the table conversation went something like this:

Toddler: Poo.
Me: Have you done a Poo?
Toddler: No. Poo. Hahahaha
Me: What about Poo?
Toddler: Eat Poo. Hahahahaha
Me: Eat Poo? You want to eat Poo?
Toddler: Yeh, eat Poo Hahahahaha

I have no idea where that came from!

She also gets me to sing the CBeebies Happy Birthday song to the dog (which can be understood), to the Chocolate cake, to the laptop and to Mario from Super Mario World on the Wii.

All of which she finds hilarious.

Crazy, crazy child!

I've been heard

After 1 and 1/2 years of visiting my GP several times, breaking down at the Health Visitors a couple of times and asking for help from my Midwife who then refereed me to the Mother & Baby Unit at the hospital where I was seen by an incompetent psychologist, my visit back to the Mother & Baby Unit today went well.

The psychologist listened to my greviences and frustrations and has given me a plan to get me to see a CBT therapist at the hospital.

I am so relived that somthing is finally being done.

I have decided not to go on meds right now as I am 31 weeks pregnant and I belive that starting now could effect the baby so I have asked for CBT therpy to get me though the rest of the pregancy and once I give birth I can start on meds and continue CBT therapy.

Why did it have to be such a struggle to get to this point? I could have avoided so much suffering.

The Fog

Unfortunately I'm not talking James Herbert.

I feel as if I have been wondering aimlessly in a Fog for a while. Some days I manage to find my way through it, and some days I feel completely lost to the point where if I try to look back over the last few months I don't know what's been going on.

Recently I have had a few episodes which I don't think are exactly normal even for a heavily pregnant lady.

Yesterday was one of them.

And I did one of the most difficult things I've done in a very long time, I reached out during an episode and was heard.

I don't want to be in a Fog anymore nor do I want any more episodes.

I want my life back.

I have an hospital appointment on Monday where my husband will be coming with me and I'm afraid to open up in front of him.

But I must.